Note: This was not written to evoke sympathy for myself and neither is it meant to exalt myself in others’ eyes while throwing bad light on another. These are purely my thoughts and emotions that words have given expression to – nothing more, nothing less. I do believe that I echo the sentiments of many who have trodden this path before me and many more who will trudge after, and it is for that sole reason that I decided after much debate to post this publicly in my blog. By no means pass judgments for that is not our duty nor the intention of my writing this piece. Thank you!
Do you know what it feels like to have loved someone so much that you are willing to do anything and give up everything for them?
I do.
Have you ever learned to love unconditionally and put someone else’s needs before yours?
I have.
I also know what it feels like to be rejected even after having loved so much. I feel the deep pain, anger, hurt and bitterness, albeit far less, even now – something that only time and God can heal.
Why would you have the heart to do that? Was all that I did not good enough? Did I not love even at times when I got nothing in return? Was I not patient, understanding and accepting of many things that others would not stand? Did I not care enough? Was I not there at times when I was needed the most? Was I not faithful? Did I not set all of my own feelings, needs and commitments aside to meet yours? If it was quality time you needed, I gave it all. If it was gifts, you had plenty of that. If it was acts of service that was most needed, you got it.
When you were hail and healthy, we enjoyed good times together. When you were ill, I was at your bedside day and night tending to your needs. When you were flying high, I shared your happiness with you. When you were low, I was beside you lending a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to lean on for comfort. When you were discouraged, I let you know how good you were. When you were proud, I brought you back to reality. When I was hurt I chose to forgive, when disappointed I took it to the Lord in prayer. Through all your trials I supported you and did the best I could to help you through. When there was nothing else I could do I prayed, knowing that was the best I could ever do for you.
I saw the good in you when others could not. I wanted you to become the best you could be. I wanted to be the one behind you, always there for you through all of life. I wanted to see your dreams come true, even if that meant giving up my own.
What was lacking? What did I not give or do? Sure, I am not perfect as no one can be. But did my faults far outweigh my virtues in your eyes? Could you only see the glass half empty, yet never realize it was half full? And how could you so easily empty that glass and shatter it to shards as if had meant nothing at all to you??? Did you just use me to boost your self-image and get all that you wanted? Was I a mere accessory to be worn one day and discarded the next?
Much has been my pain and anguish, having given of myself in vain. Yet many things have I learned through it all. If I, a mere human could feel so much pain of rejection, how much more does God the Father who “loved the world so much that He gave His one and only son…” and yet is rejected? I now understand at least to some degree the Father’s Heart and how much He loves and wants to be loved in return. Even as I write, I see Him reaching His arms out, tears in His eyes, longing for us to run back to into His embrace while we run farther all the more, seeking our own ways, embracing folly instead.
If in all this I have only understood the pain of others like me, it is well worth it; if only to know the Father’s heart, then doubly so. And I hope someone reading this will run back into His arms of everlasting love – love that is unconditional, never changes and never fails, love that knows no limits and wants nothing in return, the only love you’ll ever need when all other love is lost.
I have loved and lost. But in losing I have gained a far greater love than ever before, the greatest love that ever has been or ever will be, and for that I’m forever grateful.
